Bad and Good

So I thought a lot of about my life the past 9 months, which has pretty much been insane, and how I have come to define “Family”.

The Bad
Some people may know, but not many, I didn't have the best family life- It was by no means the worst, but it wasn't great. I still have a decent relationship with my bro and my mom, but that's about it. Which leaves- my father. *sigh* I don't even know how to talk about him. 90% of the time, he is a total bastard. 8% of the time, he's ok, and 2% of the time, I think I might actually not hate him. But that tends to go away very very quickly.

I have a confession to make- the reason I haven't gone to see my new niece? Because I don't want to see my dad. Yep. I just don't. The man has been on me about my weight since I was about 6 years old. I remember my first diet when I was 8, and since then I just know I will never be the daughter he wants me to be. Let's not even get into the gay thing. I am 99% sure I told him once before that I was gay, but I was drunk and I think he ignored me. So we don't talk about it. But my weight? Oh, he will be both passive-aggressive and just plain aggressive about it. I go home, and no matter what we talk about, I feel the weight of his disapproving stare on me at ALL TIMES. I haven't been home since my bro's weddding- July 2007. Isn't that sad? I would love to go to a Thompson Family Christmas or Thanksgiving, but I just can't bring myself to go- and sometimes I am glad that I am working on those holidays. I don't use the word lightly, but sometimes I really hate him. For one- he always treated me worse then Rob. Rob was the boy, and therefore the golden child. Ever single game my brother played in middle/high school, including baseball, soccer, and basketball, my dad was there. Hell, he even COACHED his basketball team for 4 years. Me? I played soccer, basketball, and softball, and if my dad came to 2 games a season it was a lot. He didn't care, he never took me to the baseball fields to work on my fielding or hitting like he did my bro. I had to find my own ride to practices and games EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT in high school. The most embarrassing thing? My own dad not showing up for family night. My mom was in Ohio at this time and Rob was at college- so when they announced my name, no one stood up for me. The worst was my senior year. To this day I still remember turning red and just staring at the ground while my friend's parents tried to make up for it by cheering really loud. So I hate him for that, I hate him for making me feel like less then a person for being overweight, and I hate him for the physical and verbal abuse that used to be almost daily. No matter how successful I am, no matter how many degrees or friends I have, I will also just be his fat, butch daughter. And I hate him most for instilling in me his temper, which my biggest fear is that someday I will lose control on someone who I love- and if that happens I will never forgive myself. So every day I fight for that control.

The Good
So that's the bad. The good? I do have friends and family I can count on, and I figured that out the most over the past 9 months. I know many of you would mock my Otalia addiction, but beyond the storyline, it has changed my life. It started small, my twin basically forced me to watch some clips from the show. From there I found the BPD, and I posted occasionally. After a few weeks, I saw someone started a chat room- and I am much more comfortable in a real time chat then I am in a board setting- so I entered- and found a place I belonged. I didn't get along with everyone, but there were a few people I connected with- Shiva, Bronzey, Sang, Engine, Keeva, Beanie, Gidge, Jules- to name a few. Then we discovered Skype, and that first skype chat was a crazy 8 hours long. From then on we couldn't get enough of each other. I found some real friends who were there when they said they would be there. When someone was in trouble and needed money, we would pool together and give it to them. I myself lived on rice and hot dogs for two weeks because someone needed the money more then I did, and I gladly gave it. At the same time, I realized how much I hurting in my current job (without going into details.) I found that not only were my new friends there, but so was Brenda, Nik, and CJ. It dawned on me for the first time that I was not alone. All my life I have done things by myself. I motivated myself, worked 2 jobs to support myself, and basically never counted on anyone. Well, I did once, with an ex, but that didn't work out so well. I swore to myself I would never do that again. But now I realize how wrong that was. No one should be alone

For some reason, Team Midwest-ish has connected. We are not alike- we are different races, religions, sexual orientations, class, and are in various stages of relationships. But yet... we all work. And I love it. I love that the first time I went down to Indy and met Shiva, we instantly connected- there was no awkwardness. Then I met Bronzey, and after one awkward hug, we were cool. Since then, we have added people- Foodie, Torr, Dar, Burke, Nicole, Token, Bash, Indigo, Katie- just to name a few (and there are many, many more, including a great friendship with Team UK). And we all still connect in some odd way. We miss each other all the time, and are planning no less the 3 meetups for us to get there. Right now we are trying to help a member get out of a bad knock off of Deliverance and into a better situation, and everyone wants me out of MI.

I have a new family. And this one doesn't judge me. For the first time, I think I am truly happy.

Geek On.